Although some experiences of our loss can be shared, the deep-rooted psychological effects can never truly and deeply be understood and felt by anyone else, as our feelings are completely unique to us.
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If we are attempting to understand another person’s deepest sorrow, consider that the most important thing to anyone is the gift of compassion.
When we present with compassion it takes the focus off ourselves and places it where it needs to be in that moment.
We may believe we understand someone’s sorrow, but how can we, honestly, when we have not lived their journey, one moment at a time?
As dad had now passed, it was time to acknowledge and accept that he was definitely not going to be coming back home – ever again!
Although there would have been a certain amount of discussion and understanding of this for some time beforehand, these things never appear to be real until such time they eventually are, and even then, we can still live in a fantasy world, living in the land of hope, and still wish for our special angels to appear in front of us – at will.
It is fair to say that the sudden change in my regular routine left me feeling lost in a world that was so unrelatable to the bubble I had been all too familiar with over the years. My whole life had been dramatically altered in more ways than anyone could have ever imagined. Our little family was having to individually deal with this inconceivable void in our lives, as well as deal with it as best we could as a family of now only 3.
How could we move through this together without further fearing the loss of our sanity, innocence, and soul? Would we ever gain back the blessing of experiencing life with true happiness and joy again? We all had major adjustments to make, our lives needed to keep moving, but how, and in which direction? It was not easy going forward, and in some ways still, I feel the only way I have grown is through the aging process. Of course, in reality this is not true, but it certainly can feel like it at times.
If you do not learn to deal with trauma, you will no doubt find that life has a way of holding you back from many of it’s joyous moments and opportunities.
The way in which we all grieve, mourn and deal with our losses is unique to us all, and what I’m about to soon mention as I express my way through this chapter, may seem strange and possibly crazy to those who have not been confronted with such experiences to date. Then again, to many others it may be so relatable and comforting to know that their feelings are acknowledged as completely natural and OK by those who totally get it.
You see, when it comes time for our loved ones to leave our shore and we begin grieving the tremendous loss of their absence in our lives, often in cases where there has been long term circumstances we may also mourn the additional associations that came along with their ill-fated journey too.
Understandably I can only speak for myself here, but in my family’s case, after having created such an ingrained habitual routine of experiences over the years; the visits back and forth to the hospital and all that had become so familiar in connection to those visits, for the likes of bonding with staff etc, which was inevitable under the circumstances, I personally felt an extended loss as the hospital had became a second home.
Memorable experiences of compassion, empathy and understanding, along with that little extra special treatment that children in special cases tend to receive was what I was needing at that time in my life. Once it had all been taken away from me there was a sense of even less comfort and security – I no longer had the regular comfort and respite of the hospital bubble, life felt far less secure and kind. I was spending more time in a world that appeared to me to be less tolerable of quiet and shy children. I recall a time at school of the harsh and cruel treatment I was subjected to at one stage, all because I no longer had my dad. Kids will find anything to hit you with if you are an easy target for them to release their very own frustrations and insecurities.
I was clearly not happy at this time and unfortunately my favourite teacher got ripped for it. One of many early year photos I regrettably destroyed.
Life for an introverted shy child was not made any easier when mum made a decision to uproot us from our family home (for her health’s sake – that’s another story to be touched on at a later date). This to me was not a choice I’d fall in love with, for a couple of reasons – one being, I was not only leaving comfortable and familiar surroundings, but I was also being forced to leave behind a home that had many memories of which my dad had been very much a huge part of, and I simply wasn’t ready for that huge step forward as I felt like I was being separated from him and his memory yet again. The second reason for not being over the moon to move was the thought of starting over in a new school, this did not excite me much at all, in fact, I was terrified.
With now having moved from one place to another my fears began to set in as reality. I was now the new girl in school, and this of course was of some interest to the other students. Much focus was placed on me which obviously made me feel quite uncomfortable, as any introverted, shy child would feel.
Treatment towards me wouldn’t change if I didn’t make changes within myself, but how was I to do that if I didn’t know how, or at least have the courage and confidence to do so?
I continued to be the same shy little girl who found it challenging to socialise generally, let alone comfortably fit in to a new environment where – as most of the students had grown up knowing each other from their very early years, had formed strong friendships.
Now, imagine my surprise when I was chosen by my teacher as one of only two students from my school to be accepted to attend the annual Somers School Camp. Only a few children get the privilege to experience such an amazing opportunity, where schools from around the state merge each July holidays for what is truly a unique and special time.
When the teacher spoke of the decision to the class, it was obvious that a few of the pupils were not going to be so supportive of the decision, nor towards me – at all! One girl in particular who was – dare I say, strong in character, let me know quite clearly that I should not have been the chosen one – that another of her friends deserved the opportunity more than I did. This call-out was at a point when half the class, so it seemed, were gathered together at the back of the room (teacher was absent) ready to hit me with their ridicule and disapproval. The situation only concretised my fears and concerns of whether or not I’d been sincerely accepted into my new school, and of course only made me feel even smaller, as I had yet to learn how to stand up and speak up for myself.
You see, in times where I would experience criticism and conflict in my life, I would often hear these compassionate words of advise …
….. “Hold the peace, Love – just hold the peace!”
That phrase was one my mum would often tell herself in her early years, as she too had good reason to believe they would hopefully keep her safe from abuse in her own home if she adhered to them. I never asked, but I sense that they were words passed on to her from her mother too.
That phrase was so ingrained within both our minds that it became a part of our instinctual response whenever we felt any connection to a rising conflict within our environment. Although those words where intended to keep us safe on the outside world, they had the opposing effect on our inside world.
Imagine if you will, the consequences of living a life always holding the peace ~ rarely speaking a word in your defence – when either feeling threatened physically, emotionally or psychologically, be it within the community or your own home environment. Eventually those words can cause more harm than their nature intended – they imprison your true inner peace and happiness in a place that appears challenging to ever access. The inner torture endured can take it’s toll on your health and life in ways you would not generally wish on anyone.
Feeling hopeless and helpless, or at the very least, uncomfortable with conflict, can lead to the idea that isolation appears the safest and best option to preserve our sanity, but really – is it? OF COURSE NOT! But it’s only natural to seek what we each feel appropriate to keep us feeling safe – whatever that method may be.
I’m sure, had we known better at the time and courageously treated ourselves with more respect and compassion, circumstances may have turned out much differently in those moments.
Fortunately, when blessed with the gift of time and understanding, it is possible to resolve the many demons and inner conflicts of perceived inadequacies and fears that have been haunting us for years. The first step – acknowledge them for what they were in their true essence – lessons that built our character. Secondly – that we are all worthy of happiness, regardless of what has been actioned towards us ~ and Thirdly – go on a journey of self discovery – learn about self compassion and self care.
Now I’m not saying that it is an easy road to travel – far from it, as it does take courage. We also need to give ourselves permission to become vulnerable, as it is a part of the healing process too. Being courageous and vulnerable are what’s needed to live our truth and also what’s necessary should we want to experience inner piece, but we also need to strive for patience, self compassion, love, and the understanding that we are totally worth it!”
If we all took the time to learn about, and practice the important aspects of self discovery, we’d realise that achieving inner peace is possible, and when we each experience inner peace, there will be a lot less disharmony within our communities and families and a lot more love shared with each other and the world.
My past experiences are serving their purpose, as I acknowledge that good must come from them. They will not be wasted, nor forgotten, but they can and will be forgiven in the hope to help and support others too.
Never Let Any Circumstance Go By Without Attempting To
See The Lesson and Purpose Of It’s Existence,
For There Is – Generally a Hidden Gift!
Let the journey continue ……
Follow The Journey thread @ nurturingme-naturally.com.au and in future editions of Nurturing Our Souls – Naturally!
May You Walk In Love, Light & Peace,
Donna-Lynn
It was only when this person and I, after many years of having drifted in different directions, reconnected, and then they spoke of their thoughts and how they had “previously” interpreted my personality and character. Mmm – interesting, I thought!