DONNA-LYNN’S PERSONAL JOURNEY –
There may be times when we want to give up, give in - just throw in the towel, because life seems so dark, exhausting and unjustifiably cruel.
I, like so many others when in a dark place, in times past have considered leaving this place for another due to the harsh cruelty and seemingly unjust ways personally endured, but something, something much deeper within always held me here as I was not yet destined to leave this world. It was not until recent years that I understood why, and began to appreciate my earlier traumatic experiences, to acknowledge them as the blessings they are today.
As challenging as it may appear, consider for a moment the reason you came to this earth, the reason you took your first breath. Consider the purpose, the meaning of walking among the people you know and love and the people you once knew – inclusive of ALL family members, classmates, friends, work colleagues – even the people you meet and have connected with in the street – favourable connections or otherwise! Understand that nothing appears just by chance. Our life has been planned and there is a reason we came to live the experiences we are now living, and to journey the path we continue to travel. We each have a purpose, we just need to learn, and realise what that purpose is through each days experience and the lives of those we touch.
…. the only time I ever felt unconditionally and undeniably loved, genuinely and
sincerely appreciated, completely and totally safe, trusted and understood, was in the
presence of my mum. As the years went on, we came to understand each other’s
uniqueness and special qualities on a deeper level, a soul level, something I had been
challenged to experience in any other person, that was, until ….
Shortly after I was born my dad became extremely ill and began the journey of a long, suffering, and debilitating illness (as explained in the previously edition of NOS-N) which eventually some years later caused his parting from this world as a young man.
(Sea Breeze Caravan Park Geelong). Purchased later was a bungalow positioned on the sands of the parks shore line – See below.
Sadly, the park no longer exists – Progress!
Prior to my dad being relieved from a world of physical, emotional and psychological torment and pain, and still only in his 40s, the routine of my family pretty much revolved around regular, if not daily, hospital visits. Understandably we spent as much time with dad as possible. Hospital to me felt like a second home for many years and the memories I hold are still looked upon with deep and mixed emotion.
One such memory is of how we were compassionately and empathetically cared for by hospital staff over the years. Mealtimes for me were always a treat when it came to Shepherd’s Pie night at one particular hospital (dads full time medical care was provided by two repatriation hospitals over the years). I could always count on a plate being set aside for me each time it was on the menu – the staff knew me well and I have never tired of sitting down to, what could be my favourite dish. To this day whenever I see it elsewhere on a menu it always takes me back to a special and precious time of my childhood.
As a child I had no idea of what possibly would lay ahead of us as a family. I was not aware of, or privy to our family’s health history but would later hear the reference to dads condition being that of – “The Family Curse”. I was sheltered from the many relatives who had succumbed to this cruel illness at such young ages and the fact that there was, and still is, no cure. You see, once my mum realised what was happening to our little family, she did what she thought to be the caring and safe thing to do – shelter her girls from witnessing a generational illness that could possibly one day lead to being our own fate too.
Pretty much all visits to dads’ side of the family were paused, so of course my experiences and memories are limited. But given that we then lived in Melbourne and dad’s `full blood` (dad also had six x 1/2 blood siblings in Western Australia) family were in Ballarat (Australia), near on a couple of hours drive back then, the journey in those days would have been lengthy and exhausting for mum. Little time would have been available to us anyway due to the regular visits to the hospital and mums working commitments, which were understandably necessary to pay the bills and put food on the table. Life was quite the shuffle, not an ideal life for anyone, let alone a child. It was school during the day and shortly after school, trips to the hospital then off to Nans where my sister and I would sleep whilst mum would go off to work a night shift. Of a morning we would be woken to rise (way much earlier than if we were at home) to make the trip back to get ready for school to then begin the cycle again.
With only a couple of months earlier having marked the day of dads 46th birthday (Correction to magazine. Entry noted as 47th birthday), mum had the challenging and arduous task of laying him to rest just one week before my 8th birthday. As a child I could not possibly have imagined nor comprehended the devastation, torment and feelings of loneliness and abandonment mum, as a young devoted and loving wife (although she still had her 2 girls) would have been experiencing at that time, actually, at anytime at all really!
Understandably there I was, a young vulnerable 7-year-old child entering my 8th year, a time that was meant to be a part of my most innocent, protected and playful of all, having to deal with my own torment and feelings of loneliness, abandonment and heartbreak, as was my older sister too, although she, standing in the shoes of a young impressionable middle teen.
There’s just no way a young 7yr/8yr old child could ever feel the true sense of psychological and emotional loss of a much loved partner, nor understand the deep pain and anguish of a teenager’s loss of her father either, a teenager who’d previously been blessed with many precious, earlier and adventurous years of a healthy family life, that was, until shortly after her baby sister entered this world. Also, it should go without saying, anyone attempting to understand or interpret the exact state of mind and emotional state of a younger child who is experiencing such grief, would be furthermore challenged to say the least.
Once dad’s time came to pass other challenges and adjustments fell upon us, as of course our lives would never be the same again.
Although my mum, sister and I had just experienced our greatest loss together – our personal experiences could never be compared to each other, nor totally understood. The 7 year age difference between my sister and I would prove to be challenging for mum for various reasons.
As a young child I later realised the hard way that there was much to learn and understand about having a parent pass over. At the time, and for many years later I felt responsible for my dad’s passing, this is not unusual for a child to experience and believe in such times of trauma. Given the impressionable and undeveloped state of a child’s brain and their conditioning, children often feel responsible for the sudden absence of a parent, believing that they are the ones that made them leave, regardless of the truth and reality. My belief was that I had somehow made my father ill, considering I had learnt he had become ill so shortly after my birth. How was I to know or understand otherwise as I was so compassionately sheltered from a life I did not know existed.
In the years to follow, with maturity and wisdom, I later realised that of course dads passing had nothing to do with me, although I had always thought if I had not come into this world he would not have passed so young.
Never Let Any Circumstance Go By Without Attempting To See The Lesson and Purpose Of It’s Existence, For There Is – Generally a Hidden Gift!
and the journey continues……
Love Light & Peace,
Many Blessings,
Donna-Lynn
Link to magazine:
